1. it's my family. The best one, the only loving place in my life. I love my family. They're willing to do everything I want, everything I need. Even for my unimportant wish. But that's family, for someone, for their loving sis, they will do anything. That's the most amazing part in my life. That's why sometimes I want to do something as return, and while I'm not working yet, the only thing I can do is help them when they need. But on the other side, I have responsibility on my school. Many tasks to do, and that takes time. I hate to see that I can't help my family right now, but if I abandon my school, I will have bad mark, I will not graduate. and if I don't help my family, well, you know what I mean. Right now we're not hiring any maid. That makes my family need to work hard. And so many reason that I can't spend time to help them. It's my fault.
I'm a jealous person. My ego is high-temperature. I'm easily change, easily getting mad, easily crying. When I get mad, I blamed others. But actually, I realize it's not their fault. It's my fault.
2. my boyfriend. He's so friendly. He's a good man for his family. He's a good man for his friends. That's the part that always make me so angry, jealousy. Remember ? I'm a selfish person. I'm a jerk, okay ? I know it, I just don't want to admit that. at first, I love him, I feel comfortable with him, but I don't quite remember since when that I feel I'm losing him. I don't feel his love anymore. He's just gone. To where ? I'm not sure. He's trying to save his family. His family is hard to predict. That makes me feel selfish when I wanna be with him, but in other condition I can't. I don't feel like I was before. The way he show his love, it's different. I don't like difference. It's my fault.
3. my friends. my life. my happiness. They're selfish. well, just some of them. I actually have 7 friends that can complete my life. They love to travel. Everywhere. The important thing for them is, togetherness. I love them. For the first time in my life, I have friends that don't look from the cover. It's the fun they're looking for. Even, well, sometimes when they want to travel, like going out of the city (one of my friends could drive a car), I can't join them. why ? I'm too busy thinking of my school. I'm kinda a making-myself-busy person. lol. I hate to leave my tasks behind when I have spare time. Not to play, but to work hard. I love studying, honestly, even not for my subject now. Remember my last posts about my dream ? that's my real favorite subject. okay, we're not talking about that now, back to topic. I can't leave my school for my friends. I try once, or maybe twice. I choose my friends before my tasks. And the result is horrible. the next day I can't have enough sleep, I only sleep about 3 hours for the 2 days straight (zzz), and my school next day, I'm so tired and I was asleep at class. That's why I don't spare enough time for my friends. And when I choose to do my tasks or other thing, one of my friends will be like "see, she's with us only when she was sad and needs us". My fault.
4. myself. There's a time when I'm happy when someone text me and try to make me laugh. I love it. I can really forget my boring time. But on other side, I don't really get it. Is it right to be like this ? for me, everything is right. I think life is just like that. people come and go. One day they treat you like a princess, the next day they treat you like you don't exist. People is so rude. I hate my life sometimes, I wanna disappear. I wanna be invisible, so I can see how people really feel when I don't exist. I want to avoid everybody. I'm selfish. I want to be happy. I don't like people avoiding me. That's clearly make me sad. I hate my life. I just want to stop going to school, show myself on public. I just want to stay on my room, enjoying my remaining life. Oh, I miss my smile. it's my fault to be like this. My fault that I was born like this.
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