not sure

well, the point I want to talk about (before I explode myself) is, if you fall with someone just by her look, I'll make sure, you will leave her soon or later.

Be yourself

Don't lie. Don't ever lie to me. I will know. We, girls, know when a guy lie to us. Even when you smile, I know that's not the real you. I know there's still actually something you wanna say to me. But I still remember my words, I won't force you. I will stand back. From now on, I can only smile when I re-read our chat, when I'm thinking you're smiling at my chat. I'll let you go, I'll let you decide what best for you, you know it. I'm so glad to know you. I want to see your smile at me again. Thank you for staying even for a while. :)

it's always my fault

I have like 4 parts of my life.

1. it's my family. The best one, the only loving place in my life. I love my family. They're willing to do everything I want, everything I need. Even for my unimportant wish. But that's family, for someone, for their loving sis, they will do anything. That's the most amazing part in my life. That's why sometimes I want to do something as return, and while I'm not working yet, the only thing I can do is help them when they need. But on the other side, I have responsibility on my school. Many tasks to do, and that takes time. I hate to see that I can't help my family right now, but if I abandon my school, I will have bad mark, I will not graduate. and if I don't help my family, well, you know what I mean. Right now we're not hiring any maid. That makes my family need to work hard. And so many reason that I can't spend time to help them. It's my fault.

I'm a jealous person. My ego is high-temperature. I'm easily change, easily getting mad, easily crying. When I get mad, I blamed others. But actually, I realize it's not their fault. It's my fault.

2. my boyfriend. He's so friendly. He's a good man for his family. He's a good man for his friends. That's the part that always make me so angry, jealousy. Remember ? I'm a selfish person. I'm a jerk, okay ? I know it, I just don't want to admit that. at first, I love him, I feel comfortable with him, but I don't quite remember since when that I feel I'm losing him. I don't feel his love anymore. He's just gone. To where ? I'm not sure. He's trying to save his family. His family is hard to predict. That makes me feel selfish when I wanna be with him, but in other condition I can't. I don't feel like I was before. The way he show his love, it's different. I don't like difference. It's my fault.

3. my friends. my life. my happiness. They're selfish. well, just some of them. I actually have 7 friends that can complete my life. They love to travel. Everywhere. The important thing for them is, togetherness. I love them. For the first time in my life, I have friends that don't look from the cover. It's the fun they're looking for. Even, well, sometimes when they want to travel, like going out of the city (one of my friends could drive a car), I can't join them. why ? I'm too busy thinking of my school. I'm kinda a making-myself-busy person. lol. I hate to leave my tasks behind when I have spare time. Not to play, but to work hard. I love studying, honestly, even not for my subject now. Remember my last posts about my dream ? that's my real favorite subject. okay, we're not talking about that now, back to topic. I can't leave my school for my friends. I try once, or maybe twice. I choose my friends before my tasks. And the result is horrible. the next day I can't have enough sleep, I only sleep about 3 hours for the 2 days straight (zzz), and my school next day, I'm so tired and I was asleep at class. That's why I don't spare enough time for my friends. And when I choose to do my tasks or other thing, one of my friends will be like "see, she's with us only when she was sad and needs us". My fault.

4. myself. There's a time when I'm happy when someone text me and try to make me laugh. I love it. I can really forget my boring time. But on other side, I don't really get it. Is it right to be like this ? for me, everything is right. I think life is just like that. people come and go. One day they treat you like a princess, the next day they treat you like you don't exist. People is so rude. I hate my life sometimes, I wanna disappear. I wanna be invisible, so I can see how people really feel when I don't exist. I want to avoid everybody. I'm selfish. I want to be happy. I don't like people avoiding me. That's clearly make me sad. I hate my life. I just want to stop going to school, show myself on public. I just want to stay on my room, enjoying my remaining life. Oh, I miss my smile. it's my fault to be like this. My fault that I was born like this.

such an idiot

what you guys would do when you're in the middle of some options ? some of you maybe think, nothing, it will just flow to where it belongs, or maybe you pick one and leave other behind. for the beginning, I thanks God for giving me good friends to remind me what to do. I'm so blessed to start blogging again, I can share anything, I don't have to get mad, to get sad on my private status, I can just share it on my blog, well I know nobody will read this, but at least I can talk about something that I can't tell share it even to my best friend, she knows, but not so detail, she's not the type of girl that I can share with.

now, I feel guilty, I can't stand on with just one guy. idiot, isn't it ? that's not mean I'm a playgirl. and also, now I feel because of my fault, I've lose everything. I've lose my friend, my boyfriend, my best guy ever. I don't know how to act like a proper adult girl. I only ruin everything when I'm having a relationship with someone. honestly, I already once on this position, I know how it feel to decide, to make a choice, to do something right for everybody, not just one person. but that's impossible. like, if I choose to study when my friends ask me out, don't you think it's good for you, but not for your friends? we can't do one good thing for all. it's always only one you can save.

and I don't know how the future will treat me. I mean, if I make a choice, would that make me happy ? I know there's up and down, we could never choose to be on up, but we can choose to fix everything, we can choose to grow up, and most important, we can choose who we want to be happy with.

what I really feel to you

hey there :) the first time I know you, you are so funny. well, almost all my friends like you, funny, but you are different. even if you looks like my other friends, there's still something different that I can't tell. the first time you chat me for something, I know that I feel okay with that. I love chat with you, seems fun, and I can laugh all the time even for the silliest topic. but still, I like it :)

but something happened, something I don't know why, you talk to me every time when we met, you chat me like nothing will gonna disturb us. but how could that happened ? why did you avoid me ? there's a reason when a girl stick on a guy. even for the simple reason but I know, I also have some reason for that feeling. just don't play with someone feeling. don't play with me. if you think I'm not worth to try, you shouldn't have start from the beginning. I feel happy already, and after some day, you just avoid me so sudden without explain everything. you should be honest from the start. you can't dump me like that. sorry for saying, but I also have feeling, I know yours but I don't know what to do. I just like it.

well, once you make a girl cry, you may not see her smile anymore. so don't ever regret it. once you comfort her, she will always feel comfortable with you. what I can say is.. I feel like this way maybe.

if you love two people at the same time, choose the second, 

because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

friend or love

Someone told me to start blogging again. and I enjoy it because I can say anything I want. thanks to him :)

well, some people would say "keep your feeling, let her happy with her choice", other would say "tell her, she needs to know, you need to know her  feeling". lol. oh my, accidentally I'm talking about my last post :D I'm start thinking that my life is only about the difference -_-
well, I think we all need to know about everything, especially about love. what if we already fall with someone and suddenly they never like us ? isn't that hurt so bad ?

I choose to know myself if someone we like doesn't like us, rather than if our friends told us, or even worst, they suddenly having relationship with others :( but for real, that's not my position right now. I just confused. well, have no idea what to say.

world vs me

Hello, 2 years already I guess ;)

Have you guys ever think about different opinion that every person talk about ?

like, when a guy told me to put family first before me, "help your parents when they need you". but on the other side, my parents told me, "do your stuff, don't mind us, we're good". well, you're definitely on the position where anything you do, you're wrong.

and like me now, it's like me against the world. 

I did something wrong, something that maybe I could regret but also maybe I'm good with it. for real, I hate having too many friends. well, some people would say I'm stupid enough, or maybe I'm just not popular. But the point is, I don't care. I choose my own life. I choose to live this way. I choose my family, so I will choose my own friends. I don't mean to rule my friends life, so it means they can't rule my life. if they don't want me to tell them what to do, so better don't tell me what to do. if they don't like what I'm doing, just avoid me, I'm fine with it. Why ?

I guess I have my own thought, I have my family, and that's enough. they love me on every condition I am. and I guess, life should keep going, isn't it ? you will meet a new person everyday. so I don't have to afraid to have no friends. and if it's a true friendship, they will support me no matter what. they will tell me the good one for both of us, not just themselves. :)

so life your life the way you like, people will judge you no matter what.